Australia has hosted a huge festival of cricket this summer. I started out with high hopes, but as England plummeted to a historic 5-0 trouncing in the Ashes series, my spirit broke. I began working on a nasal twang and saying 'G'day'. I can cope with derision and contempt. It was the pity I couldn't handle.
The triangular series with England, Australia and New Zealand deepened the depression. When England lost to New Zealand, I gave up completely.
Then, by a triumph of arithmetic over talent, England won a match. Or failed to lose it in a timely manner. Whatever the reason, the sporting accountants decided that England deserved another chance
How this translated into England reaching the final is beyond my understanding. I was so depressed with the England team's performance so far this summer, that I had no desire to witness any further humiliation. Fortunately, I am married to the Best Wife Possible. She bought two tickets for the match and dragged me there after work today.
We walked the mile from our office to the Melbourne Cricket Ground, then another two picking up tickets and finding our gate. The first seats we picked were in line with the wicket in the South Stand. Because the TV cameras dwell on this area a lot, the rowdies tend to congregate there. After a few minutes, we moved to seating around mid-on for a right-handed batsmen facing from the South Stand end. Ahem.
There were about six overs left of Australia's innings, and they had four wickets in hand. Whoops! Three wickets. 245 on the board. England's fielding was sharp and accurate. A couple more runs, and down goes the next wicket. The next batsman walks out, takes the crease, gets clean bowled and walks back again. The hat-trick is missed by a whisker, and Glen McGrath scores a run or two before getting bowled. All out for 252. A big target, but not incomprehensible. I mean, they did it. How hard can it be?
After a totally unneccesary 30-minute break, the game starts again. Australia, having started the game at a run-rate of 8 an over and reaching 148 for 1, put their strike bowlers in first. Five minutes later, England were at 15 for 3, and I was attempting to gnaw through my wrists. Having given up any hope of reaching 50 overs, England started blocking. When you need a run a ball, why not give a maiden or two away? Spiffing. It was getting a bit cool, so we left the ground. Yes, that's it. Cold. That's why we didn't stay. Cold. Not crap cricket at all.
Due to problems with the trams, we accidentally turned up at the pub before reaching home. Nil desperandum. As we walked across Waterfront City, we saw the match on the big screen. England were at 99-3. They had failed to lose a wicket since we left the ground. In the pub, I became increasingly transfixed, as the required run-rate was battered down from eight towards seven and on down. By the time sufficient beer had been taken (I am told it was sufficient, anyway), fifty runs were needed from 45 balls.
Uncharacteristically, England failed to abandon this opportunity. The middle-order collapse never materialised. With four balls remaining, and one run needed, Paul Collingwood deftly slid a tricky yorker towards mid-on and dashed the fast pair needed. England 1, Australia 0.
Happy.